That day :D

Hmm, just stopped by to record this, since its kinda important, not really the date but the act more or less

19th Nov, 2013, for the first time in history, i said sorry to my mom.

I know its not a big deal for others, but it took me alot to do this, 'over expressive' that i m with my folks :P I decided the very next morning i woke up, that yes im gonna apologize, so as soon i came back home, i was looking for opp to say it...but damn, either dad was there or someone in the proximity, i'd just look at her, i dunno what i was tryin to see..temper? her mood? or maybe just in case i dont go vocal about it, i looked at her n said sorry quiet alot of times in my head...at last when it was time for her to shoo me outta the room i grabbed this opp before i cud contemplate further n daddadaa i said it, immediately covering it by warning her not discuss my stuff with my sis :P and she didn't say a word! Maybe becuz she was shocked n i also know that she hung on 'that part', that was meant to be :D

Why: as usual had a big fight over something so stupid, infact after the stupidity was over, she went n complained to my sis, who has ALOT to say about anything n everything. N more often than not, she has to talk gibberish n negative. Chahe woh involved ho na ho, chahe uska isse lena dena na ho chahe she doesn't even care! but she has to comment n not just da da da da da n finish, but has to add so much more to even what mom had to say...i lost it man. But i don't think i was sorry for what followed, i said sorry for banging the door ..i still feel bad, it was pathetic :( sorry :(( sorry sorry sorry...i dunno why do i continue behaving like this, i try to control..n maintain my cool, but u guys r so ...phbt. Im tryin to change, mellow it down, but im sorry for i did..really :(

And thanks to sid, because of him i had the courage to do this, to 'walk the talk'. Thank you, for influencing me in ways you wouldn't know... :)

Could it BE any simpler

its time to reflect on sum of the things that have happened, i've been thinking n on the future.

first of all im very happy to be sitting here, typing stuff, after watching conjuring lolz, im in this pitch dark room with only laptop's light on my face. anyway


i've been back n forth with wierd thoughts...of detaching myself, declaring myself a misfit among all and leaving for good. Maybe a travellers life, nomadic, in disguise or to find myself. Festivals have this effect on me. I'm never normal around that time. Sudden suffocation, tending to other's need to do- Shopping, dressing up, 'celebrating'. i don't tend to any of that jazz, but it just disturbs my peace of mind. Why do i have to reason them my non involvement. Honestly, do you really feel the spirit of these occasions? is it anymore than a excuse to get-together or more often than not, just getting a holiday. Sometimes one doesn't know why do they need one, they're just conditioned that way since childhood (well childhood made sense cuz we went out and played and slept), now we just sleep n there's not much excitement added to these 'holidays' unless u have something planned or simple yet delightful happening. But i realized my discomfort and funnily i didn't understand why do i entertain such behaviour. What is wrong to be normal during festivals. Come to think of it, ppl have grown around me. They don't annoy me as much as they did. They let me be. But there's something binding me. Maybe, just habit.

And, lately i've also noticed that i haven't learnt anything new. Whats new? Nothing. Yes, mentally, spiritually i feel i've grown. But then someone comes in n disrupts it all. Can i keep my calm or do i just show' it. Im trying. But all this wouldn't be a problem if i kept myself busy LEARNING. not wasting my time, because c'mon, everybody i've invested time in, have left (either i chose it so, or they did) I would have loved to accept it as a fact and move on and life would have been easy, but honestly i cannot accept this. I want something stable yaar, jo bhi frnd, bf. Nothing can guarantee it but it shouldn't always end the way it does! Well i don't want it to end in other unpleasant ways either. Phbt. But you know what i mean right?

And then there's so much negativity. Sure im not negative, im confused, but not negative, but why is there so much negativity around me! And if there is how come i don't shoo it away! This is specially surprising that i seriously cannot or don't do (dondo :P) anything about it. Where is my charm God!! Please i just don't want to avoid ngative people, i want them to see things positively so there's no need to avoid. Give me that magic wand please. And what is up with me not standing my ground quite often! I don't even participate in conversations even when i m most welcome, instead i give comments mentally, or sometimes, even  mental comments (lolz) trying to seek approvals! What is up with that!!! :/

Two rats ass to what they think, but do i think anymore?? :P :P I could have been a part of that trek grp, i could be creatively involved, but i lacked the curiosity n zest to start something new, to be a part of it....to do what??? Jhak marne.

I will admit that im doing well, not very well, but well in some areas of my life. but there's something so important missing, or has taken a backseat! My dogs. I cry, i look at pix on fb of dogs n i cry becuz i had that, i don't have it anymore, not literally, but that pure bliss of holding a pup in my hands n feel it reciprocate in the most heart melting ways. the look, their touch, their confidence in me with their love n their lives. This is so strong. How could anything else fill this void. This is the only real happiness i have ever known. I can very well say they're my tsaheylu (Saheli :P) to pure love. I don't know why they chose to turn a blind eye to my longing.

I think its time to refresh. To learn, Add some variety to life... Could it BE any simpler? ? :P Good night babes, good luck n have loads of fun along the nor-way :D

Oooh norway se yaad aya, dslr, photography :D n photoshop :P